lessons of india

My time in India is coming to a close, yet I feel as its hardly even begun. I guess this can be the result of the life’s steady march forward- coupled with the excitement of so many fascinating new experiences lurking around the next corner, simply waiting to be discovered and fully lived. Currently, I wish I could pause, or even slow time on a whim, just for the chance to take a deep breath, look around this country, and these people, that I have fought with, laughed with, and ultimately fallen madly in love with- and take a moment to memorize it all. Every detail and aspect and store it organized in my memory files, waiting to be pulled out and re-experienced with love and affection.

But alas, this is not life. I know my remaining time here will fly by. Everyday I get increasingly nostalgic for Cochin, for Kerala, for India, even though I know that my time and purpose has been well served. I’ll miss so much. I’ll miss the sensory explosion of colors, smells and sights. I’ll miss the lush greenery; I’ll definitely miss the never-ending scenery of palm trees. I’ll even miss the stares. Okay, maybe not the stares. I’ll miss our house- the view from our roof, I’ll already broken hearted with the pains of missing our Indian wonderful family. I’ll miss all the people, and the unforgettable bonds we’ve forge through such an intense and unique time in our lives.

India has been a lifetimes worth of knowledge and experience condensed into a whirlwind year. Not only was I able to dedicate all my time and energy here into that which I’m most passionate about, I’ve been able to realize and plan that I will be continuing this lifestyle throughout my entire lifetime, God willing. I’ve learned responsibility in a new manner, a manner that includes life and death and overall health. I’ve learned more about learning, and have accepted it as an essential part of my core being. I am a student for life, yet I also hope that I can always learn more than I could ever teach. I’ve learned to be excited about my work. I’ve overcome my fear and hesitation in varying situations. I have overcome the language barrier and can communicate fully despite poor Malayalam, slow English and wild hand gestures. I have spoken in front of 4,000 people, and lived to tell about it. I spoken freely about sex, about condoms, about disease- in front of countless people and all within a conservative culture. I have been successful in this, but I have still been nervous every time without fail before each programme. But I have remained focused on the most important goal of knowledge is education, and education is prevention. I have experienced the satisfaction of a job well done and the assurance that my work here will make a difference in the overall health of this entire beautiful country. I have faith in that fact. I have also come to terms with my smallness as a person, and accepted that fact that I am just one mere solider in an army of thousands. A force that I am proud to be part of.

My life this past year has been more than I could have expected, different that I was able to conceive of, harder than I was prepared for, and more phenomenal that I could have hoped. I feel free and content moving on to some other place, knowing full well that I have literally poured myself into life here. During this time, I’ve stopped apologizing for things I didn’t do, and learned to accept consequences for the things I did. I’ve explored every remote village India had to offer, to the southern most point, to the northern city of Delhi, the western beach of Varkala, to the extremely eastern and remote island of Andamans. Through this, I’ve fully embraced the chaos of public transportation, learned how to flag down a bus and jump on while it’s still moving, weave successfully through a massive unmoving crowd, sprint unharmed across 5 lanes of speeding traffic, sneak on trains and sleeper car, and subsequently, been kicked off (repeatedly). I’ve danced freely and proudly as much as possible, on our roof, in clubs, even to techco, all while surrounded by an entire different culture. I’ve fallen more in love with Indian food and culture, and especially the music. Kingfishers have somehow wormed their way into my heart. I’ve accepted being a minority, a foreigner, and have learned to remain comfortable in my own skin, regardless of the constant spotlight placed over my head.

I have remained fiercely in love, and find peace that regarding those that I love the most, distance does little to altert that bond, it only serves to strengthen it. I realize that I am exceptionally blessed because of this, and I treasure this gift like a rare jewel. I’ve continued to send countless emails to the man that I love, and have become incredibly thankful of the wonderful technology of skype that allows me to see my family and loves. I’ve met new incredible people, listened to many a heartache, identified and removed unrecognized stigma within myself and learned to accept and love all, regardless of status. I’ve learned that love is stronger that castes, than culture even. I’ve seen beautiful sights, met inspiring people and attempted to document it all on film- when and if I remembered my camera. I’ve agreed to spontaneous trips, I’ve traveled to remote villages, slept directly on a dirty hospital floor with 80 other women, spent time with tribal people, with HIV positive people, been covered head to toe in dirt in order to clean canals for people I'll never met, and taken trips to luxuries ‘western’ resorts just to get a taste of home.

I’ve been hopelessly lost, found and lost again in every possible way, yet I’m proud to say that I can successfully maneuver around the majority of southern India, and I believe, probably the world. I have laughed more and cried harder than ever before, both in public. I've been so frusterated I've burst in to tears or laughter, depending on the situation. I’ve ridden elephants and camels and accepted the life threatening journeys of auto rickshaws and motorcycle rides as completely common. I have been in, and survived more car accidents than every before, and completely overcame my lifelong fear of accidents. My ‘personal space issues’, even though I thought I never had ‘personal space’ requirements, have disappeared thanks to the crowds and masses constantly touching me. I’ve taken yoga daily- loved it- and completely surprised myself with all the poses I am able to twist my body into, and surprised myself even further by following the challenging path to becoming a yoga teacher. I served as a professor in a class where I was merely a student. I’ve spent too much on things I didn’t need, I’ve been ripped off by many an auto driver, was reminded that material possessions are meaningless and the best things in life are free. I’ve accepted that all I need in life fits comfortably inside my Swiss Army suitcase, and I could live out of it for an astonishingly long time. I've also accepted that the greatest shoes ever made are rainbow sandles, and wore mine daily. In this regard, I learned that dirty feet are a way of life, and washing feet is as common as washing hands.

I’ve learned how to successfully wash clothes by hands, and have the calluses to prove it, and grown to love ice cold showers straddling over the toilet. I’ve mastered the challenge of the squatty potty, and even prefer it to ‘western’ toilet because at least no one tries to stand on the seat. Yet, I always carry hand sanitizer with me. I’ve learned to cook (some), I’ve made ‘American’ food in a country that only serves rive and curry, but I’ve eaten an incredible amount of rice and curry, and therefore have an incredibly high spicy food tolerance. I’ve mastered eating without flatware, with my right hand, and worry that I will instinctively find myself reaching in with my hand at nice restaurants in the US. I’ve taken up the habit of spontaneously singing random songs thanks to my roommates. I've watched the entire Arrested Development series with my roommates during power outages. I have learned how to spell in British English, and spell program with an ‘e’ and organization with an ‘s’. I have learned to respect my Indian teachers and enjoy Indian classes, despite the stark contrast from all of my previous ‘American’ experiences. I’ve learned to sleep in until the last possible second and still make it to breakfast on time, just to get my morning chai. I’ve learned how to wear a sarree, with as much grace that I can muster, but have not learned the secret to how Indian women remain stain and wrinkle and sweat free in a hot, dusty (or monsoon) environment. I’ve been caught in a heavy monsoon rain- countless times- and loved it every time. I’ve learned how to sleep with the power off, and therefore without a fan in a room that reaches over 90 degrees. I've learned how to scuba dive, how to teach yoga, how to led HIV/AIDS prevention programs, and how to have meaningful conversations, even when you don't share the same language. I've learned that my UMB family truly is a family, and words cannot express how much each of them mean to me. I've learned that my biological family supports me no matter what, and will always be glad to hear me on the other end of a phone.

And what else have I learned from all this? What has been the point of it all on the grand scheme? I’ve learned that things take the right course all in due time, even if its much slower Indian time, and that they will absolutely be worth the wait. I’ve learned that if it doesn’t work out, something better will come along. I’ve learned how to live with people, and love them despite blaring personal differences. I’ve learned how to assimilate myself completely into a foreign culture and not just witness from the outside. I’ve realized that I’ve become a conglomeration of all the people I’ve met, and all the people I’ve loved, and I am so proud of this. I’ve been reminded that there are people I know that I will grow old with- that will be in my life for years to come. I’ve learned that my best friends probably know more about me that I know about myself at time, and love me regardless. And real love, real friendship, endures oceans of distance- and miles of shit- and persists and strengthens despite it all. I’ve learned to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind, and realized that I myself am capable of both. I’ve learned to take the rights steps and proceed through the right doors, amazed to find that I am in exactly the place that I wanted to be, because I refuse to settle for anything less, I gave it my all. I have learned that I will leave behind a huge part of my heart when I leave this place, in addition to my work, and I trust that both will be sustained and strengthened to make a difference in the larger picture. I am going forth from here in victory, with my head held right shoulders straight. I have deeply loved this time in my life, and I thank you all for being part of it. Trust me when I tell you that it would not have been the same without you.

blissed (and slightly streesed) out

greetings lovelies. this blog comes to you from the beautiful idyllic beaches of varkala. i am treating myself to a wonderful graduation present, because i am officially a certified yoga teacher. yes that right, i survived the month and received the diploma. it was a long hard month, but well worth the effort for the sole reason of the wonderful people i was able to get to know. and of course, being a yoga teacher.

but i'm getting ahead of myself here. currently, the biggest issue is that i'm truly and completely alone for the first time since june. i'm in varkala by myself, in a hotel (actually a hut) by myself, in a place that where i know nothing or no one. it's incredibly strange. incredibly. and quiet. eerily quiet. after 8 months of being consistently and constantly surrounded by people (granted wonderful people), i am forced to face the solidarity, the stillness and the silence head on. well, i was hoping for silence. silence would be nice. instead, my mind senses the upcoming challenges and changes creeping forward with the rapidly advancing calender days (seriously, december already, what happened?). in reaction and in revolt, my mind is filling my head with a chaotic clamor, confusion and stress of the thoughts of returning home and returning to "real life." life in india has been good, not always easy, but good, and comforting in its predictable unpredictablness. in less than a month i will leave all of that, and return to a host of unknowns and changes. don't get me wrong, of course, i love change, and i love home. it's just the transition that gets a little sticky. and thus my mind is getting a little panicky.

therefore i have come up with a solution. first- stop freaking out because the changes are good changes. needed changes and will bring along with the challenges, great reward and happiness. second- take all of this alone time and be productive with it. this is done by catching you up on the adventures that i have undergone during the last month. so that's my plan. lay on the beaches all day, swim and tan my little heart out, and then sit down and tell you all far away tales of far away adventures. i must admit, i am looking forward to the day when i have the option of sitting just a cup of coffee (or a hard drink) distance away from you and filling you in face to face. just so much better than blog communication. soon my loves, soon.

still here

hello all you beautiful people. i know that i've been mia during traveling, and i will continue to remain so apart from this short blog until i return home from TTC. which is in 7 days exactly. however, i also plan to lay on the beautiful beach of varkala for a few days post graduation in order to rest my bruised, beaten (yet bendy!) body with some TLC in the form of surf, sand and sun. but i promise that i will give you all updates on my past month and a half of adventure. but in short, it's been fantastic, amazing, wonderful, etc... just a quick update that myself and the rest of the UMB group was safe from all of the mumbai attacks and were not near the city. so no worries. expect more later, but for now, the beach beckons...

all my love.

on the road yet again...

alright loves. it's that time again. time to travel. "school" is officially over (we use the word school quite loosely here). work is, well almost over. i still have 2 more days and a week in december to finish all the documents that i need to complete. so i'm sure it will get done somehow. but on to more exciting things. travel, travel, travel... here's the itinerary thus far.

nov 4th- sadly we say goodbye to jeremy and erika for the last time as they head north together for a bit before heading home. tuesday evening caitlin and i take an overnight bus heading for mysore. upon arriving we will immediately run to an internet cafe (or wait for a phone call...) and watch obama win the election (fingers crossed). the rest of our time there will be exploring temples and gardens and what not. we'll spend two days and one night in mysore and on nov 6th we'll be on an overnight train from mysore to chennai where we will met up with ingrid and jessica.

nov 7th we'll be on a flight heading to port blair in the andaman islands! we'll be in the islands until the 13th of november, when ingrid and i will be exploring the deep blue sea and getting certified in scuba diving from here. feel free to look around the site and get nice and jealous. ingrid and i were walking to school today and realized that in less than a week we'll be diving among dolphins, flying fish, and i've got my fingers crossed for some sharks! the andamans are well know as one of the best diving spots in the world so needless to say we are rather excited. besides, laying on beatiful, unspioled beaches won't be too bad either.

we'll leave paradise on nov 13th and catch a flight north to calcutta. spend a couple days there sightseeing, christmas shopping for my loves and enjoying the city. sadly, i will have to leave my squirrels (jessica, ingrid and caitlin) in calcutta while they go on to bigger and better adventures throughout northern india.

on nov 15th i leave the north and fly back down to the south, this time to tirvandrum instead of kochi. i head straight for sivananda ashram in neyar dam. if you've kept up with this blog you've already heard all about it, seen the pictures and read about my debate regarding yoga teacher training. needless to say, i decided to go for it and will be locking myself into the ashram for an entire month! i will emerge an december 15th an officially certified yoga teacher! i'm rather excited about it, i know it will be a tough trying month, but i also knw that i will met some wonderful people and not have to miss my wonderful UMB family too much, all who will be leaving india (and me) behind during my TTC. be sure to enjoy thanksgiving a bit extra for me, take an extra helping of food and think of me doing 5 hours of yoga daily... upon certification, i will leave the ashram and head back to home sweet kochin home. and stay with our wonderful family again.

i will return and work at CASP until christmas eve, finishing up my documents and manuals. on dec 24th i will head to the airport to welcome scott shook to india and spend christmas off on fantastic adventures, including a few days in goa, and the excitement of trying not to die while kite surfing and rock climbing.

from there on dec 27th we catch a flight up to delhi and met up with the entire turner family, babies included. we criss cross through the north for a bit, hitting agra, jaipur and several small 'sights' along the way. we'll stay in the north, ring in 2009 in the highest of style before heading back down to the south on jan 1st. from there we have some wonderful adventures planned, including houseboats, beaches, fort cochin, elephants, tigers, and curry. lots of curry. exciting things. the family heads home around jan 10th, and i leave a day behind them on jan 11th. i've got a 24 hour layover and hotel in qatar, so i get to get out and explore a bit before heading home. and then...home sweet home on jan 12th! and a big party to celebrate that on, i don't know, jan 13th? does that sound good?

i know that these last few months are going to fly by as i'm traveling with my loves, and getting certified in just about everything i can think to get certified in. i am looking forward to christmas and my family being here, and i'm also very looking forward to be back in the good old U.S. of A. goodbyes will be hard, but the homecoming will be sweet.

and that, dear reader is where i will be from tuesday through january. i will try blog it up as much as i can, but can't make any promises. here's to sleepless nights, dirty feet, travel books, questionable street food, living out of a bag, and the unmistakable smile of a content traveler.

“adventure is a path. real adventure - self-determined, self-motivated, often risky - forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. the world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. in this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind - and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. this will change you. nothing will ever again be black-and-white.”
- mark jenkins

vanity fair

yesterday i went with two other UMB kids, and our wonderful new australian friends on a field trip of sorts. we were supposed to visit the other rajagiri campus (engineering and technology) and at the last minute were told that we were going to 'stop by' another campus for a 'brief informal meeting with the students.' having been in india long enough, i knew that neither of the above were true. i knew instead that this meant it was going to be very formal (we got roses upon our arrival, the president of the school made a speech and we sat in chairs on a stage in front of about 60 students) and very long (it was about 3 hours). not so good considering impending deadlines of field, but good when accounting the chai and fried bananas, and totally worth it to hear jeremy belt out "a whole new world" a cappella on the stage by himself, because of course, there was a cultural performance and we were expected to do something. jer bailed the americans out (which we love him for), but left the sleep deprived jet-lagged austrians on their own to crank out a... special version of the aussie national anthem.

anyway, all day long i had a feeling of deja-vu. i felt like i was there before and had experienced the same situation. later, only after looking at brochures for the college did i learn this was true. i had done it before. the exact same experience, same room, same roses even. my UMB group from january 2007 was featured front and center of the brochure for the entire school! the greatest part is that this picture was taken during our 'cultural performance', and therefore in this picture, we are currently singing 'lean on me'. if you look really hard you can see a corner of myself on the far right, desperately avoiding the mic for the sake of everyone else in the room. i'd like to point out my love carolyn on the far left, clapping to the beat, julia in the bright blue rocking the mic...and the song, and liz in the middle, singing her heart out. good job ladies, way to make the US proud. it was a hilarious discovery, one that once the principal discovered, made very public. quite an experience. so it just goes to show you that what happens in india...will be documented via camera and will live on for eternity.

sweet sorrow

it seems to me that there is never a good or "right" time to say goodbye. the finality of goodbye never matches the fleeting actuality of the event. it never goes quite the way that you envisioned it. i've learned that i'm terrible at goodbyes. i always seem to be too busy, too distracted, too attached or too distant, too angry, too sad, too eager, too awkward, too unprepared, or too unwilling.

we've started to "terminate" our relationships here. terminate. what a terrible social work word. in our field, at the end of services, we terminate with our clients and we terminate the relationship that we have built with them. and that's what we have to do here. its part of the experience, part of the "job".

but how to say goodbye to people we've invested ourselves in for 6 months, people we've lived with, people we've laughed with, cried with, and grown with? how do you say goodbye to an entire culture, an entire country? answers to these questions i do not possess, so i continue in my standard sub par form of goodbye, which always seems to fall short and never quite honors the full extent of the relationship, or adequately expresses how much i valued it. i know that saying goodbye to come here was difficult, and here again, half a year later, i find that the thought of saying goodbye to return back home is already proving wearisome. life here cannot be continued as is without acknowledging the giant 'termination' lurking around the corner, inching nearer with each passing day.

last night i was invited over to my supervisors house for a final dinner and a form of goodbye. i say goodbye to half of my UMB family november 4th, and to the rest of them a few weeks later. i say my final goodbyes at CASP in december. i'll say goodbye at the ashram after a month long teacher training which will be yet another difficult goodbye. it saddens me to even think about saying goodbye to our house family that has truly become our family this year. and the harsh reality that these relationships will never be the same again, never the way that they are right now, in this circumstance, this instance. and the vast majority of goodbyes to people here will in fact be irrevocable, and those goodbyes seem to be the most daunting and severe in their finality.

it seems that life is a perpetual revolving door of investing wholly into relationships and their impending and unavoidable termination. but thus is life i suppose, and at the end of the day, i need to acknowledge and accept that each relationship and even their subsequent goodbye is in fact, a gift.

"so dawn goes down to day.
nothing gold can stay."
-frost

location, location, location

here is a brief overview of where i'll be for the next 2 and a half months. not too shabby if i may say so myself, and i will say so myself. i'll update and give you a play by play of where i'm doing, what i'll be doing, and who i'll be with at a later date, just to keep the jealously seething. it's what i do best. i'm sending out 2008 with a bang. a bang and numerous numerous adventures.

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i've also been meaning to post about serval major cultural differences between american and india before i leave and forget all about it. so feel free to make sure i do that.